With hindsight, I can only put it down to losing the plot because that's exactly what's happened at the hospital from hell too. I thought the Body Shop was bad but this is the stuff of nightmares, and I'm currently avoiding any whiff of the management by diving into bed linen cupboards. There's lots to chose from on each floor and I've hidden a bottle of Bailey's Chocolate in each, behind the TED's stockings box. Anything to avoid being asked,
"Are you alright Raven?" Spoken in a voice most people would use to apologise for kicking an Andrex Puppy so I've started to call her that.
My problem started after a torrid weekend on the Ward when our crippling staff shortage final broke the will to live of this solitary Raven. At the midway point of the week, I'd been honest with the management about my abilities to prepare notes and files for our high dependency ward on the top floor. Blunt even
"I have never done this before and I will need help." I fingered the raised area on my forehead which read 'MUG' backwards.
"Don't you worry your miniscule brain about this ... all will be well."
"I'm not worried but you will be by Friday if this isn't sorted out." It wasn't, and it all kicked off on Saturday morning when the ward notes were still in tatters. Oh, all the bits of paper were there but I had no chuffin' idea where they belonged, and with a phone to each ear and a tub of Quality Street for backup, I made an executive call alerting the management to my problem. Again. I almost cried when she said,
"I've called your line manager and she has assured me you know how to do this." She was wrong and luckily, the cavalry arrived in the form of the incumbant who was passing by and dutifully checking Monday would not be pear shaped on arrival. And so there was a meeting called and in the true style of an Unkindness of Ravens, I was about to be pecked to death.
Seven of us crammed into a tiny meeting room; all hormonal and one of us seething with fury. Me. Shall I go around the room? And you know it's going to be bad when the management start off with a little speech about supporting staff and taking staff retention very seriously. Hah! The initial question came from the Rota Witch.
"Why didn't you say you needed help earlier."
"I did, last Wednesday, and again on Friday but when I got around to the management office, the Andrex Puppy was already involved with another crisis. So I went back to the Ward and got on with it." My fault of course and for that I accept responsibility. And I should have dissolved into floods of tears which is the usual way folks get noticed around here.
"But you didn't get on with it and I've got KPIs to fulfill. Why wasn't it done?"
"Because both phones were ringing all Friday night and all Saturday morning. Hard to work with a phone in each hand." This went straight over her head.
"If you didn't do your job, how am I going to explain it?" Lie, like everyone else in this room would.
In grudge-match meetings like this, there's always one who's only there to save her own arse feathers and bang on cue up chirps Stephanotis.
"I did thirty sets of notes on my shift last week. What's your problem?" Her 'problem' is she's leaving in three weeks so her responsibility levels have waned to a point of non-existence. I pecked back.
"And how many phone calls did you take, appointments did you make and patients did you relate to?"
"None."
"Well unless you've got something constructive to contribute, shut your beak." Stupidly, I hoped Malone would spring to my aid but I couldn't have been more misguided.
"You didn't tell me you couldn't do this either. Remember I came back on Friday afternoon and you said it was all under control." The knife went straight into my back at the third intercostal space thus ending a beautiful friendship. You see, she know and I had told her but she'd just landed a plumb job which she will be bored with in a couple of months and was determined that none of the poo was going to land in her direction.
This appeared to be the downturn in the proceedings because the management contingent suddenly woke up to the veracity of my complaints. In the threatening silence that followed, the silent minority decided to chip in a few words of encouragement. Determined to be supportive and thoroughly nice, LouLou had come armed with the Ward Administration Bible which she had written a couple of years ago.
"You say you didn't know how to prep notes but it's all in the book Raven." She'd brought handouts.
"Oh, that book. The one I've never had time to read since I walked through the door you mean?" I would've been there all night reading the manual trying to find the right bits of paper to insert in the appropriate slot, absolutely guaranteeing chaos on the following Monday morning.
"All the necessary information is written there when you need it, yes." Luckily, she's not bright enough to realise how daft she sounded or how close she came to having the file parked up her rectal sphincter muscle.
I got out of there alive on the understanding I would be rota'd back on Ward 2 for further training because, according to the management,
"It might give you more confidence." The Andrex Puppy was speaking again. "And we're very short staffed."
"I've been behind the controls of a Boeing 737!" I wanted to shout at them. "Do I look like I'm lacking in the confidence department?" It was an hour before the hormones subsided in the linen cupboard and I'd had a chance to assess the damage. Not to my career because I patently don't have one. Or to my sense of humour which is priceless. Honestly, I felt fine until Malone caught up with me on the stairs.
"Sorry about that Raven but I wasn't going to do anything to scupper my new job, was I?"
"No. But you've lost a friend forever. Oh, and here's your knife back."
Tip of the Beak: Please watch the Dr Who mini-episode on BBC iPlayer. I nearly fainted with happiness at the sight of Paul McGann in his frock coat and will be transfixed to the tele for The Day of the Doctor on Saturday night. It's like being a little kid again but I won't be hiding behind the sofa. I only do that after encounters with our management.
Raven
